The Official Joke Thread!

[Mikokat]

Put them in this thread. You can post anything amusing (As long as it corresponds with site Guidelines.), even something you saw during a comedy or talk show (Such as The Tonight Show With Jay Leno, The Late Show with David Letterman, or Late Night With Conan 'o Brien.)

Here's mine:

Did you hear that NASA is planning to launch the Space Shuttle Discovery? Yep, and there's a strict NO DIAPER policy onboard the spacecraft.

[ryguy222]

^ LOL thats punny!

[Imjustpeachy]

"Do you know how to spell R-E-M-E-M-B-E-R? I forgot."

[uscfan7690]

U.S. Healthcare

[Disneynovice]

True comments on the "intelligence" of our spoken word
Small crowd
Jumbo shrimp
Peaceful civil unrest
Honest lawyer
Honest politician
Military intelligence
Governmental fiscal accountability
Hot water heater (why would you heat HOT water?)
Thats heavy. Yeah! And it weighs a lot too!!
Mature children (make up your mind!)
And one of my faves:
Too much chocolate (HUH????!!!!)
And my new all time favorite (The one I never, ever want my Wife to hear from my lips, ever..... And yes Honey, I really do mean this, so please let me show you. Please??)
I want to go home, I've had enough time at Disneyland.

And now a totally serious statement-
To my lovely wife; Take my hand, and show me the magic that you know......
You have shown me so much, please, show me the magic, for now my eyes are open, and I can see what you see, and yes, I finally get it........
I am so sorry that it took me so long....

[soyboy]

You know what you should do? Run up to a little kid eating an ice cream cone, and just shove the cone in his face and scream, "You'll remember me forever!" and then just run away.

[DisneyFreak07]

Originally Posted by soyboy

You know what you should do? Run up to a little kid eating an ice cream cone, and just shove the cone in his face and scream, "You'll remember me forever!" and then just run away.

i loooove Dane!


"Did you hear about that new restaurant on the moon? The food is great, but there's no atmosphere"

[Ezra]

ONE

How many psychics does it take to skrew in a lightbulb?

You Must Be Psychic!

[CostaFreak]

Q: What is your date of birth?
A: July fifteenth.
Q: What year?
A: Every year.

Q: This myasthenia gravis - does it affect your memory at all?
A: Yes.
Q: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
A: I forget.
Q: You forget. Can you give us an example of something that you've forgotten?

Q: All your responses must be oral, okay? What school did you go to?
A: Oral.

Q: How old is your son - the one living with you.
A: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
Q: How long has he lived with you?
A: Forty-five years.

Q: What was the first thing your husband said to you when he woke that morning?
A: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"
Q: And why did that upset you?
A: My name is Susan.

Q: Sir, what is your IQ?
A: Well, I can see pretty well, I think.

Q: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in the voodoo occult?
A: We both do.
Q: Voodoo?
A: We do.
Q: You do?
A: Yes, voodoo.

Q: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

Q: The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?

Q: Were you present when your picture was taken?
Q: Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?

Q: Did he kill you?

Q: How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?

Q: You were there until the time you left, is that true?

Q: How many times have you committed suicide?

Q: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
A: Yes.
Q: And what were you doing at that time?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: You say the stairs went down to the basement?
A: Yes.
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?

Q: Mr. Slattery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?
A: I went to Europe, sir.
Q: And you took your new wife?

Q: How was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?

Q: Can you describe the individual?
A: He was about medium height and had a beard.
Q: Was this a male, or a female?

Q: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
A: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

Q: Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?
A: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.
Q: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
A: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy.

[Mikokat]

"Seriously, he's crazy! And not funny crazy like Paula Abdul. He's scary crazy. Astronaut crazy."

Russ Marchand (Actor who plays the Genie in Aladdin a Musical Spectacular.)

[ichabod crane]

I Don't get no respect: i met the surgeon general, and he offered me a ciggarate.

[PeoplemoverMatt]

Anyone who's telekinetic - raise my hand.

-- PMM

[stitchhead28]

Well, I have decided to write a book about the struggles farmers had during the dustbowl. I shall call it, "Crop Happens".

[phd516]

Originally Posted by Space Mountain

Man..... my new vaccuum SUCKS!!!!

-SPΛCE "XD"

That actually got me crackin' up LOL

[debijeanm]

I don't remember jokes (sigh) except for this one.

A man went to the family doctor because he was worried about his wife's hearing. The doctor said, "Stand a distance away from your wife and ask, 'What's for dinner?' If she doesn't answer, move a little closer and ask again. Repeat it until she answers, then come back and tell me how close you had to be before she answered. The man went home and his wife was fixing dinner. From the other side of the kitchen he asked, "What's for dinner, honey?" Not surprisingly, she didn't answer so he moved up a few feet and asked again, "What's for dinner, honey?" Again, no answer. He moved up a few feet more and asked again, then again. Very near to her he asked one more time, "What's for dinner, honey?" He wife whipped around and snapped, "For the fifth time, we're having chicken!"