Favorite Disney Movie Joke

[Lixiz]

One of my favorites has to be from Enchanted when Giselle and Morgan are out shopping.

Morgan: Remember not to put too much makeup or the boys may get the wrong idea. They are only after one thing.
Giselle: What's that?
Morgan: I don't know. They won't tell me.

I swear, when I heard/saw that in theatres I cracked up.

[quinteros235]

My favorite joke from a Disney movie is probably in Toy Story 2 when Fake Buzz and group were traveling through the elevator shafts and it begins shaking.

Buzz: The walls are closing in! Quick! Prop up vegetable man or we're done for!
Potato Head: Hey! Put me down you moron!

LOL! I love it!

Also, Genie is pure comedic genius.
From Aladdin 3:
"My mommy always told me what magic is what magic does."

LOLOLOL! Too funny!

[dncngrl79]

Zurg: Buzz, I am your father!
Buzz: Nooooooo....

Dory speaking whale. (I cried. It was literally painfully funny.)

Pumbaa: And, oh, the shame.
Timon: He was ashamed.
Pumbaa: Thought of changing my name.
Timon: Oh, what's in a name?
Pumbaa: And I got downhearted...
Timon: How did you feel?
Pumbaa: Every time that I--
Timon: Hey, Pumbaa, not in front of the kids.
Pumbaa: Oh, sorry.

[barfownz]

I won the Piston Cup!

He did WHAT in his cup?!

[lpetiti]

Captain Abraham Smollett: [shouting flabergasted] Who hired this crew? This is undoubtedly the seediest bunch of cutthroats, villains and scoundrels I have ever seen, so who hired them?
[Everyone points at Young Squire Trelawney, who in turn points at his finger]
Captain Abraham Smollett: Your finger hired the crew?
Squire Trelawney: No, that's silly. The man who *lives* in my finger hired the crew: Mr. Bimbo

[monkey4057]

This is from Muppet Christmas Carol, referring to an earlier scene where Rizzo wastes time looking for his bag of jellybeans.

Rizzo: This is scary stuff! Shouldn't we be worried about the kids in the audience?
"Dickens": No, this is culture.
Rizzo: Oh. By the way, jellybean? They were in my pocket all along.
["Dickens" sighs]
Rizzo: What?
[Rizzo gives "Dickens" a small kiss on the nose]

Also...

Rizzo: Finally, safe!
[sees the cat behind him]

Scrooge's Schoolteacher: Remember, don't tip the driver.

"Dickens": I am here to tell the story.
Rizzo: And I am here for the food.

I might as well add this one from Toy Story.

Potato Head: Son of a building block!

[Ezra]

From Bedknobs and Broomsticks:

Assorted articles of clothing have become animated and are parading through the room. A nightgown approaches Prof. Brown flirtatiously and begins to dance with him. (At this point in the story, Prof. Brown's romantic advances toward Ms. Price have not been sucessful...)

Ms. Price: That's my nightgown!
Prof. Brown: Is it, my dear?
Ms. Price: Yes. And I am not responsible for its behavior!
Prof. Brown: Obviously not, my dear.

[CHWheeler]

I know everyone's sticking up for the Genie, but I can't help but laugh at Iago. And quote along with him!

"Look at this! I'm so ticked off that I'm molting."

"Oh boy. He's cracked, he's gone nuts. Jafar! Jafar! Get a grip!" (Jafar grabs his throat) "Good grip!"

[IndyFantasmic]

Oh goodness, so many things to laugh about... I third the "Flowers... chocolates..." joke from Beauty and the Beast and second the "Giselle! We shall be married in the morning!" bit from Enchanted. My other favorites are...

Alice in Wonderland
Alice: "Unbirthday? Well, I'm sorry, but I don't quite understand."
March Hare: "It's very simple. Now, thirty days past Sep - no. An unbirthday... if you have a birthday then... you... heh, heh... she doesn't know what an unbirthday is!"

Alice: "Well it all started while I was sitting on the riverbank with Dinah."
March Hare: "Veeeery interesting...... who's Dinah?!"

Sleeping Beauty
Merryweather: "It looks awful!"
Flora: "That's because it's on you, dear..."

101 Dalmatians
Horace: "We're from the gas company."
Jasper: "Electric, electric!"
Horace: "Er... electric company!"

Aladdin
Merchant: "Ah, Salaam, and good evening to you, worthy friend. Please, please, come closer." *Camera meets face.* "Too close. A little too close."

Merchant: "Combination hookah and coffee maker! Also makes julienne fries! It will not break! It will not... it broke!"

Aladdin: "Now, come along, sis. Time to go see the doctor."
Jasmine: (To a camel) "Oh, hello, Doctor. How are you?"
Aladdin: "No, no, no. Not that one..."

Iago: (As Jasmine) "I will have the power to get rid-of-you!"

Genie: "Alaskan king crab." *Sebastian cameo.* "Ow! I hate it when they do that. Ceasar Salad? AH! Et tu, Brute?"

Genie: "Tonight, the part of Al will be played by a tall, dark and sinister ugly man."

Genie: "Al, I can't help you. I work for Senor Psychopath now!"

Iago: "Squeeze him, Jafar! Squeeze him like a... AWK!!"

The Hunchback of Notre Dame
Hugo: "Oh look! A mime."

Esmerelda: "Why you slimy, sneaky, son of a - "
Phoebus: "Uh-uh, watch it. We're in a church."

Mulan:
Fa Zhou: "Please help Mulan impress the matchmaker today..."
Little Brother/Chickens: *Loudly interrupt the proceedings.*
Fa Zhou: "Please... please, help her..."

Fa Zhou: "I'm going to... pray... some more..."

Fa Li: "I should've prayed to the ancestors for luck."
Grandma Fa: "How lucky can they be? They're dead."

Matchmaker: "PUT IT OUT!!! PUT IT OUT!!!" *SPLASH!*

Mushu: "My eyes... can see straight through your armor!"

Mulan: "Why don't we all just... close our eyes and... swim around?"

Mulan: "Would you like to stay for dinner?"
Grandma Fa: "Would you like to stay forever!!!"

Pooh's Grand Adventure: The Search for Christopher Robin
Tigger: "Aw, relax Piglet, old pal. There's no difference between plunging 10,000 feet to the jagged rocks below, and... uh... tumblin' outta bed."
Piglet: "Oh! Really?"
Tigger: "Why sure! Except for the splat at the end, they're practically similar."

Piglet's BIG Movie
Tigger: "Well, it's a very subtle distinction. But you see a jellyfish sounds more like a -- 'blblblblbl! HI! I'M A JELLYFISH!' Kinda like that."

Toy Story 2
Mrs. Potato Head: "I'm packing you an extra pair of shoes, and your angry eyes just in case. And if you get hungry, here's some cheese puffs. And a key. I don't know what it's for, but you never know. And an extra bouncy, bouncy ball. And some extra teeth. Be careful, they chatter! And crayons, in case you get bored. And some blue play-doh. And a dime, call me. And monkey chow.
Mr. Potato Head: "Monkey chow? For what?"
Mrs. Potato Head: "WELL, FOR THE MONKEYS, OF COURSE!"

Wheezy: "I think I feel a song comin' on!" *Mr. Mike's mic pummels him.* "OH! Oh no, oh no! I think I swallowed my squeaker!!!" *COUGH, WHEEZE, COUGH!!!*

The Princess Diaries
Joe: "This dance is a cross between a waltz and a tango."
Mia: "It's a wango?"

Lilly: "Hey wait up! Wait up! NOT YOU! I don't even know you!"

Queen Clarisse: "Goodbye, trolley people!"

Enchanted
Giselle: "Oh, don't worry, my little friends can take care of that. Ah-ah-ah..." *PIGEON'D!*

Giselle: "Oh, the shower is lovely!"

Pip: "You want an apple? No thank you! It's good. Okay!"


Hmm... I think that's enough for now, don't you?

[#1DisneyFreak]

^ holy cow that was a detailed list!!
I would have to say that most of my favorite jokes and one lines come from the Emperor's New Groove:

Izma: "Kronk, pull the lever. Wrong leverrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr rr"
"Why do we even HAVE that lever?!"

Gosh now that I think of it, I haven't seen that movie in forever. I'm going to watch it tonight!

(doing my own theme music daaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa)

[lpetiti]

Milo: Okay. Here's the plan. We're gonna come in low and fast and take 'em by surprise.
Audrey: Well, I've got news for you, Milo. Rourke is never surprised and he's got a lot of guns.
Milo: Great. Well, do you have any suggestions?
Vinny: Yeah. Don't get shot!

Milo: Oh, my decision? Well, I-I think we've seen how effective my decisions have been. Let's re-cap. I lead a band of plundering vandals to the greatest archaeological find in recorded history, thus enabling the kidnap and/or murder of the royal family, not to mention personally delivering the most powerful force known to man into the hands of a mercenary nutcase who's probably gonna sell it to the Kaiser! Have I left anything out?
Dr. Sweet: Well, you did set the camp on fire and drop us down that big hole.
Milo: Thank you! Thank you very much

[#1DisneyFreak]

Bowler Hat Guy: Now, to lure him out of the house... I know! I'll blow it up! Yes! Yes, and... uh... no... no. That won't work. Then he'll be dead. Oh, I know! I'll turn him into a duck! Yes, it's so evil! Oh... I don't know how to do that... and I don't really need a duck... this may be harder than I thought

Bowler Hat Guy: Good day, madam. I'm here to change the future.
Receptionist: Yes, sir?
Bowler Hat Guy: I must speak with the man in charge immediately.
Receptionist: Yes, sir.
Bowler Hat Guy: I have an appointment with destiny!
[Receptionist turns, revealing the headset in her ear]
Receptionist: Very good, sir. I'll let Smith know and I'll have your dry cleaning delivered directly to your suite.
Bowler Hat Guy: Huh?
Receptionist: [hangs up] Now, what time is your appointment?
Bowler Hat Guy: Uh...are you talking to me?
Receptionist: Yes. What time is your appointment?
[Doris beeps, motions to the clock]
Bowler Hat Guy: Uh...big hand on the...oh! Two o'clock.
Receptionist: You're the two o'clock?
Bowler Hat Guy: Yes, I am!
Receptionist: [suspiciously] You're Mary Johnson?
Bowler Hat Guy: Um...yes. Mary's short for...um...
Receptionist: Marion?
Bowler Hat Guy: Um...can that be a boy's name?
Receptionist: Yes.
Bowler Hat Guy: Then yes!
Receptionist: [sighs] Have a seat.
Bowler Hat Guy: Oh, goody!

[elizabethsparrow]

Oh don't get me started. I'll be like IndyFantastic and make my own list too though I won't put a lot. A lot has been said already.

The Emperor's New Groove
Yzma: Pull the lever, Kronk. Wrong lever! Why do we even have that lever?

Pacha: Uh-oh.
Kuzco: Don't tell me: We're about to go over a huge waterfall.
Pacha: Yep.
Kuzco: Sharp rocks at the bottom?
Pacha: Most likely.
Kuzco: Bring it on.

Kuzco: No touchie.

Enchanted
Narissa: Oh my, this is a twist on our story. Why, it's the brave little princess coming to the rescue. I guess that makes you the damsel in distress, huh, handsome?

Dragon Narissa: [in reference to killing them] Let's begin with the girl who started it all, shall we?
Robert Philip: Over my dead body.
Dragon Narissa: Alright. I'm flexible.

James and the Giant Peach
Spider: [eating the peach] Mmmmm. Better than ladybugs.
Ladybug: What?
Spider: Excuse me.
Earthworm: It's not dirt...
[takes a bite of the peach]
Earthworm: But it's not bad.

Earthworm: [Centipede pinches him] Ow! What was that?
Centipede: Sorry, I thought you were the spider.
Grasshopper: [Miss Spider hits him] Ouch. What was *that*?
Miss Spider: Excuse, I thought you were the Centipede.

Lilo & Stitch
Lilo: My friends need to be punished.

Stitch: Yu Porma dissy!
Jumba: Leave my mother out of this!

Mulan
Mushu: Down, Bessie!

Mushu: I live!! Now, tell me, Great Ancestor - what mortal needs my protection? You just say the word, and I'm there! Anybody who's foolish enough to threaten our family? Vengeance will be mine!!! Grrr...
Great Ancestor: Mushu! These are the family guardians. They...
Mushu: ... Protect the family.
Great Ancestor: And you, o demoted one?
Mushu: I... ring the gong.
Great Ancestor: That's right. Now, wake up the ancestors.
Mushu: One family reunion coming right up. Okay, people, people look alive! Let's go, get up, rise and shine. Y'all way past the beauty sleep thing, trust me.

The Rescuers Down Under
McLeach: Joanna! Did you know there was a razorback in my truck? Did ya?
[Joanna nods]
McLeach: Did ya?
[Joanna shakes her head]
McLeach: There was a razorback in my truck! Now, you quit playing around and do your job, you four-legged python!

McLeach: [realizes he has one less egg] Did you take one of my eggs?
[Joanna, with an egg in her shut mouth, shakes her head no]
McLeach: Open your mouth.
[Joanna opens her mouth, but hides the egg in her tongue]
McLeach: These are NOT... Joanna Eggs!!

Robin Hood
Nutsy: [shouting] One o'clock and all's well!
Sheriff of Nottingham: [clock chimes three times] Nutsy, you better set your brain ahead two hours.
Nutsy: Right. Hey, Sheriff, does that there mean adding or subtracting?
Sheriff of Nottingham: Oh, just forget everything.
Nutsy: Yes sir, yes sir.
Sheriff of Nottingham: Nutsy, how am I supposed to sleep with you yelling "all's well" all the time?

Who Framed Roger Rabbit
Eddie Valiant: Forget it. I don't work Toontown.
R.K. Maroon: What's wrong with Toontown? Every Joe loves Toontown.
Eddie Valiant: Then get Joe to do the job, 'cause I ain't going.

[chelsealela]

Mulan has a lot of funny moments...I remember a line from the song "A girl worth fighting for" one of the men says:

"the only girl who'd love him is his mother"
:D

and...

Mushu: *cries* My little baby, off to destroy people!
Mushu: Lets go kick some hunnybuns!
Mushu: Dishonor on your family! Dishonor on you! dishonor on your cow!
Mushu is a funny one.


And all time favorite that is not Mushu!

Peter: Girls talk too much!!

[Disneyland_DHI]

Meet the Robinsons
(BH Guy changes his list)
GET THAT %*@# BOY!

TODAYLAND (not only is this a parody on Tomorrowland, but notice all the classic attractions that were planted in from the fifties and seventies, when this takes place in 2037)

"Your meatball is no match for my (I forgot what it was, but this was just FUNNY!)!"

Up
"It's like America, but South!"

"You don't talk much. I like you!"

"Good afternoon..."
(slams door)
(knocks)
(opens door again)
"Good afternoon..."

"SQUIRREL!"

"Look a squirrel!"
"Where?!" (crash)
"I HATE squirrels!"

"...small mailman."

"Kevin's a girl?"

"Get off my roof!"
"Yeah, get off his *woof*!"

"I do not like the cone of shame."

"I have just met you and I love you!"

"...My master made me this collar, so I could talk--SQUIRREL! Hi there!"

Aladdin
In this film, there are several moments where Genie makes references to Pinocchio, Sebastian, and other Disney characters, but I forgot...

Toy Story/2

"Son of a building block! It's Woody!"

"No, we're friends now! Buzz, could you come up here and give me a hand?"
(throws entire arm)
"*laughs* Hand! Very Funny! THIS IS SERIOUS!"

"Let's show them our new handshake!"
"Something's fishy..."
"What? (holds the arm to the other toys' horror)"

"No, Buzz. I am your father!"
"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!"

(Rex hits Zurg off the shaft with his tail)
(weakly) "Father!"

"Hey, Buzz, are you coming?"
"No, I'm gonna play catch with my dad!"
"Go long!"

"So then he left, going this way--"
"Are you blind? He went the other way!"
(Rex comes in and knocks the whole thing over)
"Does anyone know how to spell 'FBI?'"

"Look! I'm Picasso!"
"I don't get it."
"You UNCLUTURED SWINE! What are you looking at, ya hockey puck?"

Lilo and Stitch
"My friends need to be punished."

Cars
"He's won three Piston Cups!"
"He did what in the cup?"

(Doc comes on the TV during the race)
"That guy looks just like Doc! Hey, Doc!"

Mulan 2
I love it when Mushu does an impresion of Mulan and wakes Shang up.

Beauty and the Beast

(When Belle enters the castle and Cogswirth tries to distract her.
"If it ain't baroque, don't fix it!"

Also in that movie, in the middle of the forest, there's a crossroad, with a signpost pointing left and right. Pointing down a clean and bright path, is the way to Anaheim, as we all know, is the location of Disneyland. Pointing down a dirty, dark, foreboding road is the way to Beast's castle, which is named Valencia, where Six Flags is located! Get it? Anaheim is where DL is located and DL is clean like the path in the movie.
Valencia is where Six Flags is located, and Six Flags is filthy, like the path pointing to Beast's castle!